A few weeks ago I heard Lea Goldman on NPR’s Talk of the Nation discussing moms who voluntarily give up custody of their kids, sometimes moving across the country or to a different country entirely to pursue dreams, other relationships, or education. Goldman discusses her Marie Claire article called “What Kind of Mother Leaves Her Kids” and defends the three moms she profiles (the article itself is kinda bland, but her interview highlights what she believes is the moral of these stories).
Despite my stay at home mom and military wife status, I’m not super traditional and, before listening to the segment, was ready to reserve judgment about these women. I wondered if these moms had drug problems and gave up custody for safety reasons. Then, when I realized they did it for self-fulfillment personal reasons, I was still ready to accept that moms who choose to give up their kids should not be judged more harshly than ex-husbands who do just that all the time.
However, Goldman is incredibly unconvincing. She overstates her case by trying to make these moms some sort of trailblazing heroines and by stating over and over again that dads who do this are not judged, something I don’t really think is true.
Goldman admits moms giving up custody of their kids is actually incredibly rare. A lot of moms lose custody, but that is different from relinquishing said custody. Given that this is rare, Goldman’s attempt to make this about women’s liberation en masse rings hollow. I think she is trying to eke some sort of overarching meaning out of her brief profile of three women’s life choices.
One mom wanted to become a lawyer and knew taking care of her kids would make that impossible. True, but plenty of mom lawyers exist, as do working moms, so giving up custody doesn’t make you some motherhood martyr. Another mom tragically lost a child and gave up custody of her kids to become an author, even writing a book about losing that child. I don’t really judge these moms as much as I judge Goldman for valorizing them. Sure, people make choices for different reasons, but let’s be honest, choosing to have kids and then choosing to give them up to work on your own education or to marry a guy across the pond or to become a lawyer is, frankly, selfish. Sometimes moms need to be selfish, sometimes moms should be selfish, sometimes selfish isn’t bad, but call it what it is and stop pretending these actions are noble.
Moms (and dads) can have rooms of their own without giving up the children they chose to bring into this world. They can be authors and lawyers and can remarry and do a myriad of jobs without saying bye bye to the kiddos. Is it difficult? I imagine so. But Goldman, seriously, these women aren’t trailblazers. They are moms who gave up their kids for selfish reasons, just like many dads do, and they do not represent a growing trend, something you admit on NPR, yet the Marie Claire article still boasts the misleading subtitle “Divorcing dads give up custody every day. Increasingly, so do moms. So why are they judged more harshly for it.”
I suppose this Newsroom post is less an endorsement or critique of this particular article than a commentary on sloppy reporting and misguided editorial framing. Maybe this is why I don’t subscribe to Marie Claire anymore and maybe this is why I shouldn’t write blog posts when my husband, child, dog, and I are simultaneously sick. I get cranky.
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{ 12 comments… read them below or add one }
Meredith, I’ve heard of this article, but have yet to read it and can’t comment about the quality of writing or reporting. On the subject of a woman voluntarily leaving her children, I knew a woman who did just that. And I remember judging her severely. This was before I had children of my own. I still don’t know this woman’s entire story, nor the stories of the women interviewed for this article, but if I were to delve deep into myself, there have been many times when I’ve felt those same feelings of wanting to fulfill my own dreams, on my own. I am a stay-at-home mom of four, and, like marriage, sometimes it is the commitment to my marriage and my children that keeps me here, not the love of what I’m doing. I don’t think men have the same pressure as women these days to be all, do all, and do it all alone. Our society doesn’t have the constructs to support moms as we should, and I don’t think there has been a time in history when women were expected to be all for their children, to not only provide the basics of food, shelter, and clothing, but bolster self esteem, make sure they are involved in the appropriate extracurricular activities, make sure they do well in school, and I could go on and on. It is draining for women, and at least it makes me question some days why I’m doing this.
I can’t imagine I’m the only mother who feels this way – it’s the elephant in the room none of us wishes to talk about, lest somebody accuse us of not adoring our children, which I do.
Tonya, what an excellent comment. I completely agree with you (even if the tone of my post suggests otherwise). I do think too much pressure is placed on moms to be all and I think this pressure is intense in this day and age, but I will say literature and history point to a similar problem in other centuries. I think there are moments when moms should be selfish, when they should demand less pressure and question the expectations placed on them, but I also think Goldman reduced the stories of these three women to an act of bravery, but it seems more complicated. It seems like a combination of bravery and cowardice. As much as I respect their right to get frustrated with the expectations placed on them or to pursue their own dreams without attached children, I don’t think choosing to have children and then deciding they are too much is particularly noble. Goldman emphasized the triumphs of their stories while glossing over the tragedy of feeling the need to make those choices at all. I can sympathize with Edna Pontellier in The Awakening without saying “Well, good for her.” I think Goldman wanted to streamline the story into a “good for her” and missed an opportunity to look at the real more prevalent story–the pressures placed on moms who stick around and how they deal with that. Goldman and maybe magazines like Marie Claire in general tend to dismiss complicated undertones of a story in favor of a neat tidy moral, or at least this is the impression I got from the NPR piece.
My own mother left 3 of us children behind in England and moved to Australia to be with another man. My sister was 7, brother was 8, and I was just turned 14. We are all middle-aged now, and the children never do get over it in their sub-concience, and it affects them for life. We’re all loving parents our-selves, and would never dream of being selfish enough to cause life-long mental pain to our children. We all have met our mother since (my Brother and Sister 40 years later), and she’s more interested in strangers than her own family. We feel sorry for her as she will never experience the peace of unconditional love. We were lucky though as we had a very loving Father. These Mothers who leave their own children are pathetic, and are not noble lol. They are scared selfish pathetic iimmature women who run away when the going gets tough. They end up with nothing because they are nothing.
I’m pretty sure I didn’t write this comment in response to this particular article! I left it in response to the article about Mothers who leave are noble.
Karen,
I cant agree with you more! Im sorry but any woman who leaves her kids are crazy….especially to be with another man. I love your comment on how they always run away when the going gets tough, its simply true and an act of being selfish.
Thats just a little harsh Karen, i myself have a daughter of 4 years and i’ve been battling identity issues social phobia agoraphobia and other psychological issues. My daughter is therefore in the care of her father and comes to visit me regularly. so im not out of her life completely she comes across as very happy and confident so at this moment in time she is developing well, despite being brought up mainly by her father. I am battling with my own issues and can not cope with bringing up my daughter, if i were the father no one would have battered an eyelid its just not right.
Hi Emma, My Mother didn’t have a mental illness, but left for selfish reasons. Men who do that are just as pathetic. I hope you can over-come your fears so that you can have a happy life, and be a good role-model for your daughter. Please get someone to buy you some self-help books to help support you to get well. No one should lock them-self up!!! Try to go to the park for a picnic with your daughter. Wear sunglasses if you need to at first, and slowly take them away from your eyes. Keep them close until you don’t need them any more. You’re no less than any other person out there, and I think you want to get well enough for your daughter because you answered the comment I made. It wasn’t a comment for Mothers like you. Go out alone at first Emma, and take baby steps until it gets easier. Take a deep breath please. You can do it!!!
Hi Karen, I didn’t expect to get a reply so thank you for your response, at this moment in time im hiding away at my mothers house my daughter is with her father she went to a birthday party today with a friend from nursery. I’ve rang her father twice today to see how she got on, he said she enjoyed it so thats good. Another problem that i seem to be having is the fact that my daughter doesn’t want to stay overnight with me she protests everytime we mention her staying with me, other people have told us to force her to stay with me and she will learn to get used to it, but her father feels its too distressing for him and for her to see her get that upset so he refuses to leave her with me. I am battling with the idea of going to the courts to force her father to leave her in my care. I would struggle to take her to school so i was hoping to have her stay 1 day and night over the weekend to begin with. I thought maybe mediation would be a good first step but when i told her father about it he said he might not turn up! so then i told him i would have to go to court but as he has pointed out because of my issues they would side with him! i have absolutely zero confidence im 30 now and have memories from as early as my toddler years of these issues im receiving treatment from my local mental health team and have been since i was 17 ive gone on 2 courses related to my problems and ive seen a psychologist numerous psychiatrists and im currently on a waiting list for psychotherapy! ive not worked in 10 years because of all this but i do go to an allotment once a week which is for people with mental health issues im also hoping to go and visit an old peoples home in a weeks time and hopefully begin voluntary work there, if my stupid problems dont stop me!
i have this to share with you. i thought i found true love in a woman. we married and raised two lovely kids. one day she came home to confess that she was having an affair with someone else, then on things were going bad to worse. we divorced and she told me that she may not want to work long for she wants to go with the man she was sleeping. then she said that i can have the custody. and she promised she will contribute whenever possible. all that i wanted was to raise my kids and be responsible for them. so she disappeared and never came back after the custodial result from the court. the kids grew up and i never married again because the kids were so frightened that i may as well leave them. i remain such for it means little to sacrifice this for them. i do ask myself, why there are such mothers. shocking but its true. thank you lord for you have shown some remorse and responsibility in me.
Shaun,
Good for you! Its nice to see responsible dads out there! I feel that one day your children will understand what true love is and I hope you too will find it as well!
I don,t think Mothers or Fathers should ever leave there kids. Ask yourself when did you leave your parents or which one of the parents left there kids, and learn from that. If parents get a divorce they should always be around the kids, what I mean is near by. I don,t think it,s right if any parent leaves to another state for a job or another man or woman. You brought them into to this world so you should be responsable for your actions. You should always be there for your kids, at least until there old enough to be on there own and that,s it plain and simple…….
I have 2 boys of my own and you could bet your life that I will be there for them for whatever they need and if there are parents out there that think different, pity on there souls, remember you will be judged from our Lord so watch out. Love to all the parents that are there for CHILDREN…….
God Bless, John…….