I have a problem, but not one I’m willing to solve any time soon. I read too many parenting books, hardly a surprise (the blog is called overthinking mom after all). I read a ton before Amelia was born and then revolted against these books by doing a podcast on the history of mothering manuals, revealing the changing and contradictory advice peddled to make moms feel guilty throughout the centuries (information I got from reading a book about this history). I stopped reading for a while (maybe a couple months), but then Amelia had colic, so I read about that. Now, at 15 months, my precious non-colicky new toddler is super spirited, which I actually love about her, but I’m exhausted. What do I do when exhausted? I read.
The first time around I was overwhelmed by the contradictory advice. Now I’m a bit more confident in my parenting choices and have learned what to toss aside and what to take to heart, not that the advice I’m tossing aside is garbage, but at some point you have to decide if you are a crib mom or a co-sleeper, a cry it out or an attachment parent, a time outer or a connector, etc…
I’ve also learned that you don’t have to pick a clear side, as in I will follow the teachings of any one so called expert and no one else. You’d be surprised how many people pick Sears or the Babywise people or Weissbluth or Ferber or Karp or Kurcinka or Love and Logicers or even the Nanny 911 lady and model all their parenting choices off of that person’s philosophy. And then there is the rest of the non-yuppie non- stay at home mom world that just gets on with it and leaves the books alone. Oh, how I wish I was one of those “get on with it” moms, but that’s not my nature. I know that isn’t my nature because I read about my nature in a book (Kurcinka’s, the current selection on my kindle).
Anyway, if I can’t follow the teachings of one person and I can’t bring myself to stop reading altogether, especially because Amelia’s spirited nature has left me a bit befuddled about the best way to parent her in the particular high pitched emotional moments, I’m left with a pile of books through which I’m sorting. This is pregnancy nesting gone to the extreme. I literally just bought a 20% off notebook from poor defunct Borders (and by the way, I expected a bigger discount, poor defunct Borders) for the sole purpose of synthesizing the tidbits of info from each book that make the most sense to me. Instead of fuming about how all the books differ, I’m looking for cross over.
What have I found? The code phrase for the 2000s is “emotional intelligence.” If you are worried about IQ, that was so last century, so you can totally get over it. I’ve even read books about how I need to stop worrying and should read fewer books. I kinda love that irony. To be honest, I’m not even that worried and all this reading reveals less about my parenting anxiety than it does about my scholastic temperament. When I was in school, I was always the girl who did way too much research. I wasn’t looking for the solution to any problem, but rather believed and believe that reading in moderation is more dangerous than not reading at all. What do I mean by this? I mean picking just one book leaves you easily convinced about that advice and doesn’t leave much room for differences of opinion. It’s like only watching Fox News. It can make you sanctimonious about your parenting choices. And that is annoying.
Unfortunately for my husband and anyone who knows me, reading anything and everything has made me annoying in a different way. It has turned me into a bookish know it all. For his sake, I will admit I absolutely don’t know it all about parenting, and although reading all these books has taught me a lot about the parenting book genre, I have to keep on reminding myself that parenting and parenting books are two completely different beasts. Every time I try a piece of advice from a book and it doesn’t “work” on my daughter, I’m reminded reading is a lovely hobby, but not even close to the actual parenting experience. That said, a post-academic has to research something, so why not the being that came out of my womb. Or maybe I should just join a book club or take up a crafty hobby like other normal people.
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Great post, Meredith! Have you ever come across “Guiding Young Children: A Problem-Solving Approach”? It is geared towards early childhood educators, but given your educational grounding and interest in exploring different approaches, I think you might like it.
Thanks for the tip Kate. I looked up the book and it looks interesting, but also hard to find, perhaps because it is geared towards people working in early childhood education. I think I can get a hold of a used copy in the future though.