This is a podpost for Podcast Episode 36. Does having children make people less happy than those without? Short answer, yes. Long answer, it depends on how many children you have, whether you are a man or woman, how happiness is defined, and whether any of these studies that attempt to quantify happiness can be taken seriously.
Disregarding the general merits of studies that have people express their level of happiness in multiple choice form, the findings that children do not necessarily make people happy should not be shocking to any new parent (and I happen to be one). Babies scream a lot. They poop a lot. They NEED NEED NEED all the time and all they can give is the occasional super cute coo and cuddle. Toddlers scream a lot. They poop a lot (not always in a diaper). They NEED NEED NEED all the time and all they can give in return is the occasional hug, kiss, and super cute ballerina twirl.
In the last week, I’ve ushered a screaming toddler into timeout, while my boob leaked all over the carpet because the reason for said timeout was this toddler’s choice to hit both mommy and baby brother while mommy was feeding baby brother. She screamed. He screamed. I wanted to scream. If some researcher had called me at that moment and asked if I was happier now that I had kids, I’d think back to the days when I could shower in peace, go to a coffee shop and read a book, or have a decent conversation with my husband and I’d say “NO!”
But of course that would be a lie because if that same researcher asked me if I’d trade my children for anything in the world, including those pre-baby peaceful moments, I’d laugh in his face. In fact the thought of losing my two babies is enough to make me upset over the hypothetical. This is a long way of saying, happiness studies are probably stupid.
Even if they are stupid, I’m still intrigued by the findings and by our collective cultural fascination with measuring something as vague as happiness. New York Magazine ran a pretty good summary article in 2010, the same year I became a parent, deconstructing some of these studies. The article points out that the most oft-cited study is that of the Nobel prize winning behavioral economist Daniel Kahneman who surveyed over 900 Texan women and discovered they didn’t find childcare to be all that fun. Is it just me or does the profession of behavioral economist sound totally awesome?
The article notes “As a rule, most studies show that mothers are less happy than fathers, that single parents are less happy still, that babies and toddlers are the hardest, and that each successive child produces diminishing returns. But some of the studies are grimmer than others. Robin Simon, a sociologist at Wake Forest University, says parents are more depressed than non-parents no matter what their circumstances—whether they’re single or married, whether they have one child or four.”
Senior, the article’s author, tries to figure out why parenting is so darn miserable. She suggests parenting has changed over the last century, especially for the middle and upper middle classes, wherein children have become our bosses; they are no longer needed as family labor and have turned into family projects. This means we spend more time with our kids, but always think we aren’t doing enough for our kids. What a guilt-inducing paradox.
Senior seems to fall into the camp that more social programs for moms would make us happier parents (of both genders), and maybe a little less meta-analysis of parenting would help as well. However, Senior admits “More generous government policies, a sounder economy, a less pressured culture that values good rather than perfect kids—all of these would certainly make parents happier. But even under the most favorable circumstances, parenting is an extraordinary activity, in both senses of the word extra: beyond ordinary and especially ordinary. While children deepen your emotional life, they shrink your outer world to the size of a teacup, at least for a while.”
What I like the most about this article is that Senior ends my calling into question the very importance of moment-to-moment happiness. Existential rewards are not the same as coffee breaks. Having fun is not even the same as being happy. She points to the study by Tom Gilovich in which he followed up with men and women from the 1921 Terman study. What did he discover? No one regretted having children, but ten people regretted not having children.
What do I take from all this? Having kids probably won’t make you happier in the short term, maybe not even in the long term, if happiness is only defined in terms of discrete joy, yet you’ll be hard-pressed to find a mother or father who sincerely regrets having children. Raising another human being is hard work, even in the days before our parenting manuals and overthinking blogs (I don’t know about you, but working on a farm while having ten kids doesn’t sound like a clear path to our definition of happiness either).
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{ 6 comments… read them below or add one }
Good to have you back :)
And I think it’s difficult to compare the kind of happiness I had before being a mom to the kind I have now. I sure *appreciate* things more than I ever could have before having my free time and independence untimely ripped from me. I think my life is much more intense now than it has been since I was a child myself. But happier… maybe not.
I think one of the reasons for paternal “unhappiness” is, as you say, a new definition of parenthood. In centuries (or even decades) past, no one single person was responsible for child care full-time. Children were not only part of a family unit, but a community at large–the so called “village.” Now parenting, in this country at least, seems to be isolating to some degree, especially if one is a stay-at-home parent. The demise of mulch-generational households could be a contributing factor, as could the retreat of the communal spirit (think of how our parents used to play with all the neighborhood children on the streets and parks; that seems to be the exception now days instead of the norm).
Instead of the researchers coming to the conclusion that children make people unhappy, I think we should view these studies as evidence that modern parenthood makes people unhappy (which you allude to in you reference of the 1921 Terman study). I feel as a culture we’re all too ready to blame the innocents, i.e. less children will make us happier. My personal feeling, however, is that we need more help, not less children. And after all, children are the surest way to make one less selfish because of the constant giving and nurturing required, and isn’t an abandonment of self the truest form of happiness?
I totally agree about the not having a village. Communities did raise children, and no, mom groups, don’t count these days:)
*Multi-generational I should say, not “mulch” generational! :)
So real and so well-said! I LOVE my two boys (one month and 2.5 years), but I wouldn’t call myself exactly HAPPY right now. Case in point: here I sit, at 1:46 am, both boys are asleep and I’ve FINALLY gotten through the four baskets of laundry (most of it various sizes of little boys’ clothing) that have been crowding our bedroom floor–thanks in part to my husband–and rather than happily sleeping in my bed, I’m out here at the computer trying to remember what it was like to feel attractive to my snoring husband who totally missed the point that BOTH BOYS ARE ASLEEP!!! lol… sigh! Yes, as Abby said, abandonment of self! I’m getting there…
LOVE THIS!!!! Thanks for posting! As I was riding my bike with Kayla on the front the other day, a woman said “Contratulations – you are very lucky”. I thought it a little odd because Kayla is 16 months old and I hadn’t heard that in at least a year. But I did say, yes, I am lucky. Immediately after I told Kayla that she was incredibly lucky to have such and amazing mother!!!